Ok, so we’ve been in a years-long slump with our menu. Nothing’s changed in forever… until now… sort of. Let’s break down the new (-ish) menu, shall we?
First off, breakfast hasn’t changed and is the same for each day of the week. On Saturdays and Sundays, we’re given a sacked meal that consists of cold cereal, powdered milk, a muffin, a bran bar, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (’cause that’s breakfast food, right?), a juice packet, and a piece of fruit.
Mondays are McFelons (yes, it’s a terrible knockoff of what it sounds like), Tuesdays are biscuit and gravy (note the lack of plurality), Wednesdays are scrambled eggs and sausage (turkey sausage, no pork is allowed due to kosher and halal concerns), Thursdays are a fruit burrito with hard-boiled eggs (the former is disgusting and the latter unpeelable), and Fridays are another McFelon. There’s a glob of mastic-like oatmeal, a wad of diced potatoes, and a carton of milk with each of these weekday treasures as well. A couple of tabs of margarine and some sugar packets round out the fare.
Note: ALWAYS sniff your milk before drinking it. There’s about a 15% chance something’s wrong with it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people gag and choke for being incautious.
Week one’s lunches are, let’s see… hamburger and JoJos (you’ll get better quality of both at a gas station), Mexican (this is always some form of rice, beans, and burrito that no abuela I know would ever serve), tuna sandwich (this is actually an improvement because the kitchen made it before, and now they just give YOU the ingredients so you can leave out the parts you don’t want), white bean chili and rice (this has always been fairly decent), PB and J sandwiches (these are terrible because the jelly is just flavored corn syrup with nothing in common with anything remotely gel-like), sliced turkey with poultry gravy and mashed potatoes (this is new and pretty good, but... poultry gravy?), and finally… fish and clam chowder (I had this for the first time yesterday and I will not be going back; it smelled and tasted like low tide near the water treatment plant).
Ok, so two improvements. Not bad. There are no dinner changes for this week, but I’ll wrap up with a basic description of the standard fare. Keep in mind all of these meals have vegetable sides and such, but most are either cooked to death or not at all. We get lettuce, coleslaw, and that sort of thing as well, but for the most part, they’re avoided if possible.
We got... chicken Alfredo (told ya about that already), breakfast (waffles, boiled eggs, potatoes, always cold), country fried steak and mashed potatoes (nothing fried, country, or steak about it), fish patty and JoJos (not worth the walk), beef filling and white rice (think fajita soup over rice—not terrible), Mexican (make your own this time, again, not terrible), and turkey casserole (surprisingly, this stew-over-noodles concoction isn’t bad).
Week two’s lunches are Polish dog with tri-taters (think chew toy accompanied by two under- or overcooked potato patties), beef patty and tri-taters (a plain old burger with the same), more PB and J sandwiches, fish nuggets with a tortilla (because that makes sense), Mexican (more beans, rice, and burritos), tuna sandwich, and a whole grain cheese calzone with Parmesan noodles (this isn’t half bad—it’s basically a pizza pocket with some cheesy noodles).
Dinner for this week is chili and baked potato (sometimes they substitute food factory drek with canned stuff from the real world due to shortages, so it’s usually worth investigating), fish patty with macaroni and cheese (somehow, the mac and cheese is often really good; the fish patty is always meh or worse). Ooh! Something new-ish! Diced chicken and teriyaki sauce with brown rice! This used to be the Asian version of fajita soup, but after years of throwing out gallons of the stuff every time they served it, someone finally listened. Now, it’s actually pretty good… as long as the rice isn’t glue. Anyway, let’s see… ah yes, meatball sandwich (it’s basically a hotdog bun with some dog treats and a bit of cheese), meatloaf with mashed sweet potatoes (both are terrible in quality and disgusting), more Mexican, and finally another new take on an old… well, an old one, diced chicken with sweet and sour sauce. Same scenario as the teriyaki dish above.
Ok, on to week three... lunches are chicken tenders with garlic roll and tender sauce (these are from Tyson and as such, are delicious, though the quantity is from a Happy Meal), tuna sandwich, PB and J, lasagna casserole with garlic roll (not bad—basically sauce, meat, noodles, and cheese served in two giant lumps with a dinner roll some garlic clove sneezed at), fish and clam chowder again (nope), more Mexican, and more mashed potatoes with turkey and poultry gravy.
Dinner for the week is Polish dog and chili (new version of the old stuff), breakfast (as above, but I think this one comes with chocolate milk), chicken patty and mashed potatoes (ok if the patty hasn’t been sun-baked), make your own Mexican, jambalaya (this is the WORST meal and I’ve no idea how it survived the menu revision because it’s basically chicken stew someone dropped the entire spice rack into then tried to fix by boiling it to death), fish patty and JoJos (or Surf and Dirt, as I call it), and sloppy Joe with O’Brien potatoes (again, meh).
For our final week’s lunches, we’ve got JoJos, baked beans, and chicken patty (my buddy, Bear, actually created the recipe for the beans and as long as they’re properly cooked, they come out pretty good), PB and J, Fuggets and tortilla (that’s what I call fish nuggets), turkey and cheese sandwich (another outside product, Buddig lunch meat and pretty tasty), veal and beef patty with noodles, marinara, and cheese (this is new and not bad, but nowhere near as fancy as it sounds—it’s just a thin, breaded burger), more tuna sandwich, and you guessed it, more Mexican.
The menu’s dinner finale consists of Mexican, potatoes and chili, beef tamale pie (this is new and we haven’t gotten to it yet, but I’m hoping for the best), fish patty with macaroni and cheese, diced chicken with teriyaki sauce, spaghetti with garlic roll (I love spaghetti and yet still tend to skip this atrocity), and finally mashed sweet potatoes and Salisbury steak (the mash is still gross, but this meat analog isn’t terrible).
And that’s what’s on our menu. It’d be fair to also mention the various salads that get slopped across everything too. I mean, who doesn’t like shredded onions and carrots soaked in vinegar? Or carrots and raisins swimming in a bath of mayo and more vinegar? Or raw broccoli drowned in a mayo-vinegar-sugar solution? Ooh, ooh, how about sliced tomatoes, red onions, and green peppers floating in, you guessed it, more vinegar.
Well, that’s enough for now. You’d think after all this talk about food, I’d be hungry, and I am, just not for this stuff.
Bon appétit!